What Do I Got To Lose?

Since Middle School/High School I have believed 2 bizarre and, by most accounts, morbid things.

#1 - I will never meet the right boy for me. He died in a crash when he was 12. Why this belief and why these details? Not sure. But it's always been in the back of my head. And of course there have been moments (or even multi-year blocks of time) that I have thought to myself "this is silly" but even silly gut feelings usually exist for a reason.

#2 - I won't live past 30. Now this one isn't a plan or something I am looking forward to, or afraid of for that matter. Just another gut feeling. And when I was 14 or so and first started thinking this, 30 was some far off date that I would get to someday. Now, it's 7 months and 6 days away. And there have definitely been times I have thought to myself "What if I'm right?" I contemplated writing letters to all the key people in my life telling them everything I probably should tell them anyway but it turned into a terrible weeping mess... and I only made it through 2. I figure there are better ways to spend my time on the off-chance that I do, in fact, have only about a year to live.

Name: Project Bucket List
Time Frame: Now through March 28, 2011
Goal: Just be happy. And leave the world with no regrets other than that I won't be around to tell everybody "told you so."
Plan: Check off as many of the following as possible. (List has been abridged to reflect time constraints and would otherwise contain items requiring great travel and time such as walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, visiting Juliet's house in Verona, writing something brilliant, and learning to fly an aircraft of some sort. If I'm wrong - I'll add these on and start a new list!)

1. Find a boy named Tommy. Karaoke Livin' on a Prayer.
2. Shoot a gun. (A real one)
3. Get shot at. (Just paintball will suffice here.)
4. Get hair dyed at a salon.
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Go horseback riding.
7. Go camping.
8. Run a 5k.
9. Drink around the world at Epcot.
10. See the manatees at Blue Springs.
11. Swim in a lake by moonlight one more time.

This list may be added to at any time but nothing will come off it. Any suggestions and/or help and/or accompaniment is very welcome. (#3 is already paid for and I just need a buddy.) #5 is planned for October. #4 is done!

Before:


After:


Let the games begin.

Stuff I Made Today

I'm back on my "normal" work schedule of Wednesday thru Sunday. At least for awhile. For some reason, on this schedule I am much more likely to be productive on my days off. Maybe because it's not technically the weekend and the busy energy of everyone else in the world rubs off on me. I dunno. Anyway... today was great. And I made stuff. Like...



Sugar Scrub with Fresh Raspberries and Strawberries



Brownies with Toasted Pecans



Gazpacho! (This picture DOES NOT do the beautiful color justice.)



Fun Refrigerator Magnets



And Some Wall Art



(I've always preferred The Gestalt Prayer to The Serenity Prayer)

I also cleaned the bathroom, went to the gym, hit 75 on my frost mage (oooh, nerdy), and began watching October Road... which, given things on my mind lately may not be the best plan. Oh, and I read another chapter of the next Charlaine Harris book. I told myself I would finish To Kill a Mockingbird (I didn't reeeeeeeeeeeally read it in high school) before I moved onto it but... that's not really working out. Oh well.

I must say... right now life is rather grand.

The Adventures of Ninjeena and Lil Ms. Berryhead

At least Lil Ms. Berryhead is still smiling.

Don't nothin' get her down!

Week 4 - Gah!

I'm decidedly late posting this. Saturday is supposed to be my update day but I have been avoiding this particular week. Mostly because Project Weight Loss is about to be renamed Project Fail. My number is going in the wrong direction. And I can't even blame Fringe this week. In fact, I nearly avoided Fringe altogether to combat my desire for cider and kettle corn. But I still had a rather awful food week. I was doing alright... not great... and then in the wee hours of Thursday morning an awful dream crept into my poor sleepy head. Worst one I have had in awhile. One of those wakes you up crying dreams.

Anyway, being the ridiculously emotional girl that I am, I suppose I allowed it to effect my entire day. Skipped the gym. And ate a whole bunch of bad for me stuff. And even without the dream, Thursday itself was not at all on my list of best days I've ever had. So it all flowed into Friday also.

Being an emotional girl is taxing, and being naive gets me into trouble sometimes... but I'd still take both of those traits over the jaded skeptic any day. (Granted that I have found it's good to have one or two of those jaded skeptics around to tell me to shut up and stop being a baby when I need to hear it.)

Anyway, onto the next week. I know I will probably not hit my goal this week but at least I can start catching up. I bought good for me food and am actually eating it. I did get lunch out today but it was a salad. And I am guzzling green tea and water.

That being said, I am badly prepped for tomorrow. I have not packed my lunch nor have I gotten my gym stuff together. Perhaps I can wake up extra early to do it in the morning. Fiscal year rollover at work today put me at my desk at 6:15. And after going to sleep last night at 1 - I am a tired Gina and don't think I will be seeing much more of June 1st.

Week 3 - Oops

Well... I sort of made it this week. As of Friday morning I was down to my weekly goal weight. As of Saturday morning... I had gained half a pound again. What happened between Friday and Saturday morning, you ask? FRINGE!

Fringe Festival is my second favorite time of year, after Christmas, and it's really hard not to participate in all the shenanigans that go on. Especially considering that when I walk out of my office on weekdays, things right outside my door are already in full swing. I must say it's wonderful to have that little sanctuary amidst the festivities. The green lawn of fabulousness is surely fabulous at night... but late May afternoons in Florida are freakin hot. And regardless of how good the company, and how tasty the carnie food, and how refreshing the cider... sometimes it's nice to hang out in the air conditioning and surf the internet between shows.

I've only seen 3 shows so far and have 7 more that are on the definite to-see list. Nothing has been a let down yet. So while I am partaking in the fun-filled theatrical events I will just need to be a little more careful to not partake in too much vodka... or cider... or hot dogs... or cupcakes. Sigh... I must bust ass at the gym this week. Gotta hit 2 pounds!

Week 2

2 pounds down this week! Now the teeniest bit ahead of schedule. Checked Friday morning and was still 1/2 a pound away so tried to be extra good all day Friday (and my hamstrings are sore as hell). Yay working out! Yay project weight loss!

Of course I ate like crap today and may have negated everything. Ah well... back on track tomorrow.

I Do This Thing...

It's a pretty bad habit, I suppose, or maybe just an overactive imagination. Every once in awhile, for no real reason at all, my mind jumps to this place of "what is the worst thing that could possibly happen right now?" And I guess that's not entirely abnormal but... I go to this place with such commitment and such detail that I nearly convince myself that this awful thing is real.

Example 1: (Real part) I am home from college. I have taken my mother to a Doctor's appointment. I've been sitting in the waiting room for quite awhile. (Imaginative part) This is taking way too long. Something must be wrong. I bet my mother has died. I don't have my father's work number memorized (this is the time before cell phones). I am going to have to drive over to the middle school and pick my sister up. The secretary who I talk to at the front counter will not allow me to take my sister out of school as I am not her legal guardian nor do I have a note from her legal guardian (my newly deceased mother). My rage and grief will burst forth from me as I tear into this woman and cause major commotion in the office. And then Mom walked back into the waiting room.

Example 2: (Real part) I am watching My Life Without Me, this movie where the main character finds out she has cancer and 2 months to live. (Imaginative part) I probably have cancer too. And a very short time to live. At what point do I tell my parents? Who do I tell first? Should I leave my job? Should I move back home? Should I blow what little money I have on some of the fun things I have always wanted to do? That seems wasteful. Who's going to take care of my cat? How will my family handle this? Do I tell them how much I love them or do I write it in letters? Do I write letters to everyone I love telling them how much I love them? And then do I write letters to people I think are jerks telling them I think they're jerks? This is going to take a long time. I should start now. Oh wait, I don't actually have cancer.

Example 3: (Real part) I'm out to dinner with the then-boyfriend. He has excused himself. (Imaginative part) Has he been gone a really long time? Maybe he's not coming back. What if he chose this moment to leave me? Maybe he couldn't stand to say it to my face so he just got in the car and drove away without saying goodbye. That sucks. How am I going to get home without a car. I should call one of my roommates. This is going to be an awkward conversation. And I don't even have any money on me. How am I going to pay for this meal? Maybe they will let me slide because of the sheer tragedy of this situation. Oh look, then-boyfriend is walking back to the table.

So anyway... we had an emergency meeting at work today and in between the time it was announced and the 5 minutes later that I was walking into the conference room I had so fully convinced myself that there was going to be an announcement of someone's death that I was nearly in tears. Thankfully I was able to pull myself together as no one was actually dead.

Is this normal or does it just mean that... I'm... creative?