Today I took myself on a date to the Enzian. Go to the movies alone accomplished. I've done this before. Went by myself for the first time during my stint in New York and I loved it. I don't know why it's so... freeing.
In high school I used to value my solo movie nights like gold. I would borrow the hell out of movies from the library (back when libraries didn't freak me out) and I'd lay directly in front of my teeny TV... or occasionally on my ridiculous inflatable chair. I think I liked it so much because... I didn't have to worry about other people's reactions to my reactions. Which for some reason, I did. I cry when happy things happen in movies. Finding movies that make me cry because they are sad is far more challenging.
That being said, Never Let Me Go made me cry from sadness. It was a depressing and heartbreaking story. I knew that going in. 30 minutes into the movie you realize there's no way it can end well. And I was fine enough being sad for the main characters. Watching their hope shatter over and over. I may have found more than one moment of teariness.
I was happy with it being a dystopian, sci-fi story about fictional people. It was the last sentence... in which the main character tried to universalize her plight that turned me off. What she said probably wasn't untrue. Regardless of when we die, most of us will reach that point wishing we had more time and thinking about the things we would have done differently. But what a craptastic outlook and message! Why would you leave an audience with that? And if that's the sentiment that is going to unify us in our humanity... I don't want to be unified.
I'm trying my damndest to stay positive lately. Forget cynicism. Abandon pessimism. The end of this movie left me... resentful and annoyed more than anything else.
So I finished my fantastic cookies, paid my bill, and have since decided to remember the rest of the movie. The haunting romantic story which I spent a content and confident afternoon taking in on my own in a comfy chair while sipping tea. (I'm a pretty darn good date by the way.)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
2 Down, 99 To Go
I wrote 2 letters to myself last night. One to open on July 4th, 2013 (the end of my Day Zero Project) and one to open on October 7th, 2020 (ten years from now).
Writing letters to myself is something I have done before. Time capsule purposes and whatnot but it's always a bit strange. I get very caught up in what pronouns to use and the whole thing makes me feel a bit schizophrenic.
It is nice, though, to step back and view myself as... another person. When I'm on the outside looking in I do so with much more faith and much less judgment. More peace, less self-loathing. It's fantastic. As I was writing them I felt, for the second time this week, an incredible sense of relief. And I really could feel this physical sense of... extra weight leaving my heart. This sounds crazy but... it happened and it was beautiful.
I don't want to jump the gun and say I am ready to let go of all the dumb, painful memories and grudges that I've been holding onto for so long... just to return to a place of anger the next time something sets me off. But... I feel more ready than I have in a long time. And I hope I can keep moving in the right direction.
I feel like I have joined a cult. But a nice cult that makes me feel good about the world AND myself. Although I suppose no one thinks they're joining a bad cult when they join. Hmmm. All I know is "drink magic kool-aid" is not on my list. And that's a good sign.
Writing letters to myself is something I have done before. Time capsule purposes and whatnot but it's always a bit strange. I get very caught up in what pronouns to use and the whole thing makes me feel a bit schizophrenic.
It is nice, though, to step back and view myself as... another person. When I'm on the outside looking in I do so with much more faith and much less judgment. More peace, less self-loathing. It's fantastic. As I was writing them I felt, for the second time this week, an incredible sense of relief. And I really could feel this physical sense of... extra weight leaving my heart. This sounds crazy but... it happened and it was beautiful.
I don't want to jump the gun and say I am ready to let go of all the dumb, painful memories and grudges that I've been holding onto for so long... just to return to a place of anger the next time something sets me off. But... I feel more ready than I have in a long time. And I hope I can keep moving in the right direction.
I feel like I have joined a cult. But a nice cult that makes me feel good about the world AND myself. Although I suppose no one thinks they're joining a bad cult when they join. Hmmm. All I know is "drink magic kool-aid" is not on my list. And that's a good sign.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Expansion
Well... the jogging is on a hiatus... to resume Sunday. Last week brought along the untimely passing of my dear cat child, Sir Swarlos Mugsy Spaceghost. I miss him a lot and so does Marty, my other wee kitty. And that's all I have to say about that.
I'm excited to get back to thr 5k 101. At the beginning of last week I knocked out 2 and a half miles in the allotted 30 minutes. I realize this is not at all impressive but it was kind of a huge step for me. Jogging provides such good thinking time.
In other news... Project Bucket List is growing, or maybe merging. I was introduced to a website called the Day Zero Project. It challenges you to create a To Do list of 101 things and to accomplish them in 1,001 days. Being the To Do list oriented girl that I am, I got to work on my list right away. All the usual suspects from the bucket list are there but have now been joined by things like #14 - Pay a toll for the person behind me, #32 - Make an article of clothing, #54 - Write down my bad memories on paper and burn the paper, #75 - Attend an NBA game, and #99 - Get a better understanding of html and accounting.
It's a good array of silly, artsy, productive, adventurous, and soul freeing things and I encourage other people to try it out. Just creating the list was a great experience in and of itself. Yesterday was my first day. I haven't officially checked anything off yet but a couple are already in process. My date of completion will be July 4th, 2013. I like the idea of closing with fireworks. Perhaps this will help me to cross off #45 - Kiss someone with fireworks in the background which will hopefully work in conjunction with #44 - Fall in love.
#26 is Update my blog with every completed task. So I plan to be posting more. Especially since I am nearly done with #100 - Learn the dance from the "Love is a Battlefield" video.
I'm excited to get back to thr 5k 101. At the beginning of last week I knocked out 2 and a half miles in the allotted 30 minutes. I realize this is not at all impressive but it was kind of a huge step for me. Jogging provides such good thinking time.
In other news... Project Bucket List is growing, or maybe merging. I was introduced to a website called the Day Zero Project. It challenges you to create a To Do list of 101 things and to accomplish them in 1,001 days. Being the To Do list oriented girl that I am, I got to work on my list right away. All the usual suspects from the bucket list are there but have now been joined by things like #14 - Pay a toll for the person behind me, #32 - Make an article of clothing, #54 - Write down my bad memories on paper and burn the paper, #75 - Attend an NBA game, and #99 - Get a better understanding of html and accounting.
It's a good array of silly, artsy, productive, adventurous, and soul freeing things and I encourage other people to try it out. Just creating the list was a great experience in and of itself. Yesterday was my first day. I haven't officially checked anything off yet but a couple are already in process. My date of completion will be July 4th, 2013. I like the idea of closing with fireworks. Perhaps this will help me to cross off #45 - Kiss someone with fireworks in the background which will hopefully work in conjunction with #44 - Fall in love.
#26 is Update my blog with every completed task. So I plan to be posting more. Especially since I am nearly done with #100 - Learn the dance from the "Love is a Battlefield" video.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
More Progress
So... a million years ago I attempted the couch to 5k running plan but alas it did not go so well. I don't have an iphone (damn you blasted smart phones) and staring at my ipod to keep track of the 30 second intervals while I was running was really annoying. But running a 5k is on my list so... it's time to work on things again.
I found a podcast on itunes called 5k101 and downloaded it for free. This morning was my first day. It's different from couch to 5k. Instead of teeny 20 second intervals it starts you off at 2 minutes. I think I like this better. Anyway... the last interval nearly killed me but I made it through. And I have 2 more chances to get it right this week before moving on to the next step.
Jamie and I are going to try and do the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure in October. I won't be ready to run the whole thing that soon (it will be my practice run I guess). I have my eye on the annual Turkey Trot. I hope there's one in Richmond.
I found a podcast on itunes called 5k101 and downloaded it for free. This morning was my first day. It's different from couch to 5k. Instead of teeny 20 second intervals it starts you off at 2 minutes. I think I like this better. Anyway... the last interval nearly killed me but I made it through. And I have 2 more chances to get it right this week before moving on to the next step.
Jamie and I are going to try and do the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure in October. I won't be ready to run the whole thing that soon (it will be my practice run I guess). I have my eye on the annual Turkey Trot. I hope there's one in Richmond.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Plans Underway
I'll be heading home for Thanksgiving again this year. And as of today I have a date (or... an approximate date) and a friend with whom I will cross off #2 on my list. I am absurdly excited about this. And can't wait to see my friend. Very Very Very happy right now.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What Do I Got To Lose?
Since Middle School/High School I have believed 2 bizarre and, by most accounts, morbid things.
#1 - I will never meet the right boy for me. He died in a crash when he was 12. Why this belief and why these details? Not sure. But it's always been in the back of my head. And of course there have been moments (or even multi-year blocks of time) that I have thought to myself "this is silly" but even silly gut feelings usually exist for a reason.
#2 - I won't live past 30. Now this one isn't a plan or something I am looking forward to, or afraid of for that matter. Just another gut feeling. And when I was 14 or so and first started thinking this, 30 was some far off date that I would get to someday. Now, it's 7 months and 6 days away. And there have definitely been times I have thought to myself "What if I'm right?" I contemplated writing letters to all the key people in my life telling them everything I probably should tell them anyway but it turned into a terrible weeping mess... and I only made it through 2. I figure there are better ways to spend my time on the off-chance that I do, in fact, have only about a year to live.
Name: Project Bucket List
Time Frame: Now through March 28, 2011
Goal: Just be happy. And leave the world with no regrets other than that I won't be around to tell everybody "told you so."
Plan: Check off as many of the following as possible. (List has been abridged to reflect time constraints and would otherwise contain items requiring great travel and time such as walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, visiting Juliet's house in Verona, writing something brilliant, and learning to fly an aircraft of some sort. If I'm wrong - I'll add these on and start a new list!)
1. Find a boy named Tommy. Karaoke Livin' on a Prayer.
2. Shoot a gun. (A real one)
3. Get shot at. (Just paintball will suffice here.)
4. Get hair dyed at a salon.
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Go horseback riding.
7. Go camping.
8. Run a 5k.
9. Drink around the world at Epcot.
10. See the manatees at Blue Springs.
11. Swim in a lake by moonlight one more time.
This list may be added to at any time but nothing will come off it. Any suggestions and/or help and/or accompaniment is very welcome. (#3 is already paid for and I just need a buddy.) #5 is planned for October. #4 is done!
Before:
After:
Let the games begin.
#1 - I will never meet the right boy for me. He died in a crash when he was 12. Why this belief and why these details? Not sure. But it's always been in the back of my head. And of course there have been moments (or even multi-year blocks of time) that I have thought to myself "this is silly" but even silly gut feelings usually exist for a reason.
#2 - I won't live past 30. Now this one isn't a plan or something I am looking forward to, or afraid of for that matter. Just another gut feeling. And when I was 14 or so and first started thinking this, 30 was some far off date that I would get to someday. Now, it's 7 months and 6 days away. And there have definitely been times I have thought to myself "What if I'm right?" I contemplated writing letters to all the key people in my life telling them everything I probably should tell them anyway but it turned into a terrible weeping mess... and I only made it through 2. I figure there are better ways to spend my time on the off-chance that I do, in fact, have only about a year to live.
Name: Project Bucket List
Time Frame: Now through March 28, 2011
Goal: Just be happy. And leave the world with no regrets other than that I won't be around to tell everybody "told you so."
Plan: Check off as many of the following as possible. (List has been abridged to reflect time constraints and would otherwise contain items requiring great travel and time such as walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, visiting Juliet's house in Verona, writing something brilliant, and learning to fly an aircraft of some sort. If I'm wrong - I'll add these on and start a new list!)
1. Find a boy named Tommy. Karaoke Livin' on a Prayer.
2. Shoot a gun. (A real one)
3. Get shot at. (Just paintball will suffice here.)
4. Get hair dyed at a salon.
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Go horseback riding.
7. Go camping.
8. Run a 5k.
9. Drink around the world at Epcot.
10. See the manatees at Blue Springs.
11. Swim in a lake by moonlight one more time.
This list may be added to at any time but nothing will come off it. Any suggestions and/or help and/or accompaniment is very welcome. (#3 is already paid for and I just need a buddy.) #5 is planned for October. #4 is done!
Before:
After:
Let the games begin.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Stuff I Made Today
I'm back on my "normal" work schedule of Wednesday thru Sunday. At least for awhile. For some reason, on this schedule I am much more likely to be productive on my days off. Maybe because it's not technically the weekend and the busy energy of everyone else in the world rubs off on me. I dunno. Anyway... today was great. And I made stuff. Like...
Sugar Scrub with Fresh Raspberries and Strawberries
Brownies with Toasted Pecans
Gazpacho! (This picture DOES NOT do the beautiful color justice.)
Fun Refrigerator Magnets
And Some Wall Art
(I've always preferred The Gestalt Prayer to The Serenity Prayer)
I also cleaned the bathroom, went to the gym, hit 75 on my frost mage (oooh, nerdy), and began watching October Road... which, given things on my mind lately may not be the best plan. Oh, and I read another chapter of the next Charlaine Harris book. I told myself I would finish To Kill a Mockingbird (I didn't reeeeeeeeeeeally read it in high school) before I moved onto it but... that's not really working out. Oh well.
I must say... right now life is rather grand.
Sugar Scrub with Fresh Raspberries and Strawberries
Brownies with Toasted Pecans
Gazpacho! (This picture DOES NOT do the beautiful color justice.)
Fun Refrigerator Magnets
And Some Wall Art
(I've always preferred The Gestalt Prayer to The Serenity Prayer)
I also cleaned the bathroom, went to the gym, hit 75 on my frost mage (oooh, nerdy), and began watching October Road... which, given things on my mind lately may not be the best plan. Oh, and I read another chapter of the next Charlaine Harris book. I told myself I would finish To Kill a Mockingbird (I didn't reeeeeeeeeeeally read it in high school) before I moved onto it but... that's not really working out. Oh well.
I must say... right now life is rather grand.
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